Song ohne Titel :)

[timmek]

Hi Leute,

hier ist meine überarbeitete Form eines Textes von vor 6 Monaten oder so. Ich habs endlich geschafft mich mal etwas motivierter mit Texten zu beschäftigen. Ich hoffe diesmal ist er nicht allzuschlecht

Intro (4/4/4/4)
I will never hide from deceiving opinions I don't want to suffer from pretended words
Every recurring thought will destroy yourself
And no one can help you out

Strophe (4)
People often acting destructive
Like hot oil on your skin
Sometimes the truth is ugly and malignant
A torture after the other

Refrain (4)
My mind is free – now leave you scum
Memories of bad times will nearly go away
My mind is free – now leave you scum
Your doings were like poison in my mind

Strophe (4)
My poisoned mind became a permanent condition
I never want to have a feeling like this again

Refrain (4)
My mind is free – now leave you scum
Memories of bad times will nearly go away
My mind is free – now leave you scum
Your doings were like poison in my mind

Ende (4)
It is a desire to rupture your body - to feel vengeance
It is a desire to hang you on the gallow - to feel vengeance
It is a desire to burn you in purgatory - to feel vengeance
It is a desire to spit on your corpse - to feel vengeance

 

[scraping-micha]

hi,

nein, ist kein schlechter text!
liest sich schon ganz flüssig, aber - ja ich weiss.... - würd die metrik weiter ausfeilen und n paar fehler korrigieren. z.b. so:

people often act destructive
like a hot oil on my skin
truth is often mean and uggly
torture after torture

ref
My mind is free - now leave your scum
bad times memory will nearly fade
My mind is free - now leave you scum
Your doings were poisoning my mind


gruß,

micha

 

[timmek]

Hi Micha,
vielen Dank für deine Tipps - manche Sachen musste ich aber wieder rausschmeißen, da sie sich mit dem Song nicht geschnitten haben.
Hier aber einmal die überarbeitete Fassung:

Intro
I will never hide from deceiving opinions I don't want to suffer from pretended words
Every recurring thought will destroy yourself
And no one can help you out

Strophe
People often act destructive like hot oil on the skin
Truth is often mean and ugly - torture after torture

Refrain
My mind is free – now leave you scum
Memories of bad times
My mind is free – now leave you scum
They want to disappear

Strophe
My poisoned mind became a permanent condition
I never want to have a feeling like this again

Bridge
You may find forgiveness
Leave out of my head - out of my head
(scream)
Leave out of my mind - out of my mind
(scream)

Intro
Your doings were like poison in my corrosive aplomb
I'm in need of an remedy against hate
Please kill yourself with a sharp knife
So I will never see you again

Refrain
My mind is free – now leave you scum
Memories of bad times
My mind is free – now leave you scum
They want to disappear

Ende
It is a desire to rupture your body into pieces - to feel vengeance
It is a desire to skin your stinking body - to feel vengeance
It is a desire to burn you in purgatory - to feel vengeance
It is a desire to spit on your corpse - to feel vengeance

 

[x-Riff]

Hi timmek,

noch ein paar Anmerkungen zu Deinem Text:

Intro
I will never hide from deceiving opinions I don't want to suffer from pretended words
Every recurring thought will destroy yourself
And no one can help you out
Warum der Wechsel von der ersten Person I zum You in den zwei Zeilen darunter? Einerseits schaffst Du damit den Brückenschlag zu allgemeinen Erfahrungen und Aussagesätzen, andererseits nimmst Du das lyrische Ich aus dem Fokus ... warum nicht:
Every recurring thought will destroy myself oder is destroying myself
And no one can help me out ?

Strophe
People often act destructive like hot oil on the skin
Truth is often mean and ugly - torture after torture

Refrain
My mind is free - now leave you scum
Memories of bad times
My mind is free - now leave you scum
They want to disappear
Wer sind die "they"?

Strophe
My poisoned mind became a permanent condition
I never want to have a feeling like this again
vlt. eher: feelings statt a feeling?

Bridge
You may find forgiveness
Leave out of my head - out of my head
leave my head: geh raus aus meinem Kopf - ohne dieses out oder: Get out of my head
(scream)
Leave out of my mind - out of my mind
dito
(scream)

Intro
Your doings were like poison in my corrosive aplomb
I'm in need of an remedy against hate
a remedy
Please kill yourself with a sharp knife
So I will never see you again
vlt.: So I don´t have to see you again?

Refrain
My mind is free - now leave you scum
Memories of bad times
My mind is free - now leave you scum
They want to disappear
dito

Ende
It is a desire to rupture your body into pieces - to feel vengeance
It is a desire to skin your stinking body - to feel vengeance
It is a desire to burn you in purgatory - to feel vengeance
It is a desire to spit on your corpse - to feel vengeance

x-Riff