Revolution of my soul

[FollowTheHollow]

hoi leutz, ich bin ja eigentlich kein Sänger, aber der Thread hier scheint mir perfekt um meine selbst geschriebenen Texten zu posten. Ich würd gerne mal n paar meinungen von euch hören (Kritik - Lob - Tipps etc.)
Meine fragen an euch : sind n paar sachen vllt übertrieben?versteht man manche textzeilen net? gibs irgendwo keine sinnvollen gedankenverknüpfungen? oda sowas in der art...
n kleine frage am rande: findet ihr, der text passt zu ner Metal-/Emocore-Band?könnt ja eure antworten vllt begründen...


Revolution of my soul

we kissed us for many years
but on one day,it was different
with a dither voice and many tears
you said it to me

"I love you but i must go"
that was the last sentence you said
i catch the gun and put the trigger
and i hit you deadly

Ref.:
I like myself and my life
and ev'rybody who wants to destroy it
I will put him down to the ground
at the bodom he'll feeling kicked!

you explain, you've met an other person
an other person completly different from me
i couldn't understand it but i learn and
PUSH YOU AWAY!

Ref.:
I like myself and my life
and ev'rybody who wants to destroy it
I will put him down to the ground
at the bodom he'll feeling kicked!

you hurt myself so much and I hate you
but now, there was a revolution of feelings in my soul
I swear to me I will never appoint myself to somebody
no woman should can hurt me

Ref.:
I like myself and my life
and ev'rybody who wants to destroy it
I will put him down to the ground
at the bodom he'll feeling kicked!

the revolution is completly finished
my life is only mine
because i won't be punished (anymore)
and that's why I'm here!

Ref.:
I like myself and my life
and ev'rybody who wants to destroy it
I will put him down to the ground
at the bodom he'll feeling kicked!


danke

mfg

 

[desgraca]

Revolution of my soul

we've been kissing (us) for many years
but one day,it was different
with a dither voice and many tears
you said to me

"I love you but i must go"
that was the last sentence you said besser: these were the last words you said
i catch the gun and pull the trigger
and i hit you deadly

Ref.:
I like myself and my life
and ev'rybody who wants to destroy it
I will put him down to the ground
to/down the bottom he‘ll feel kicked!
(bodom ist ein see in finnland)
you explain, you've met an other person
another (an other gibt es nicht) person completly different from me
i couldn't understand it but i learn and
PUSH YOU AWAY!

Ref.:
I like myself and my life
and ev'rybody who wants to destroy it
I will put him down to the ground
at the bodom he‘ll feeling kicked!

you hurt me so much and I hate you
but now, there was a revolution of feelings in my soul
I swear to myself I will never appoint myself to somebody meinst du unterordnen oder sowas?
no woman should can hurt me

Ref.:
I like myself and my life
and ev'rybody who wants to destroy it
I will put him down to the ground
at the bodom he‘ll feeling kicked!

the revolution is completly finished besser: is complete
my life is only mine
because i won't be punished (anymore)
and that's why I'm here!

Ref.:
I like myself and my life
and ev'rybody who wants to destroy it
I will put him down to the ground
at the bodom he‘ll feeling kicked!

ich sag nix mehr zum inhalt das is nich meine welt, aber muss es ja auch nich sein
liebe grüße

 

[Gast22673]

Gleiche wie gerade...
Viel zu viel Refrain.
4x Refrain is echt zu viel wie ich finde.
Mach die Strophen mal doppelt so lang, dann brauchste den Refrain nur 2 - 3x bringen und dann sollte das besser klingen.

Grammatikalisch wurde ja schon korrigiert.