Korrektur und Bewertung

[Snare666]

Hey Leute,

hier mein allererster Text. Eigentlich schreibe ich nicht, da es die Kreativität nicht zulässt
Wollte unbedingt was englisches, weshalb auch der ein oder andere Fehler drin sein wird.
Geschrieben habe ich ihn, als ich letzt geladen und in Rage war, wegen ein paar Kleinstadtschläger, unwichtig.
Sollte später mal Hard Rock/Metal sein. Hab sogar schon ein wenig was dazu komponiert. Ob das gut ist, ist ne andere Baustelle
Auf Reime habe ich recht wenig geachtet, eben einfach niedergeschrieben und am Ende kurz nochmal drübergeschaut.
Was sagt ihr allgemein dazu? Findet jemand große Fehler in der Sprache?
Würde mich über ein Feedback freuen

Gruß Snare



Phobia

See that thing?
What is this?
That’s disgusting, almost insane and disturbing
Right here you see a perfidious friend
That’s a crying girl
And there is a litte fucking thug
Who thinks “world’s a game and let’s play through” until he bumps to someones rough
Who pounds and butchers him out of the damned
So left is just a quiete as shitty world

Ravaged and shattered people lying on the floor
Dragged down by dumb and terrified fools
Good persons have become rare, evilness became new core


What’s wrong in todays sphere?
Is there a way to end this fuck in peoples mind?
Wipe out this part of population and what’s left then?
The other part wich turns into wild!
Years ago world seemed out of phobias and injustice
So innocent
They don’t understand
If you’re not able to understand you’re getting scared
If you’re scared all illogical is disturbing, evil and insane
Is that right?

Ravaged and shattered people lying on the floor
Dragged down by dumb and terrified fools
Good persons have become rare, evilness became new core
Heroes are almost extinct, villains getting more and more
Did world’s end come?
Let’s see what the future brings or finally change society's rules

Kids growing in a bad fucked society not learning the difference between right and wrong
Becoming prejudicted, violent and on the way to self destruct
Futur is gone
It is as if hell came up to us
So what’s the new heaven then?
And can there be a new hell?
The overcrowed purgatory bursts when todays throng is condemned in eternity
Day by day, minute by minute and second by second it fills more and more
Old heaven - empty new hell built his own armee of desperate and screwed up souls
Time to fight against it!

Ravaged and shattered people lying on the floor
Dragged down by dumb and terrified fools
Good persons have become rare, evilness became new core
Heroes are almost extinct, villains getting more and more
Did world’s end come?
Let’s see what the future brings or finally change society's rules

 

[bass-baer]

Hi,
Metal passt ganz gut zu deinem Text und ich hab deinen Text mal ein kleinwenig überarbeitet

Phobia

Did you see that thing?
Just what is this?
That's disgusting, almost insane and too disturbing.
Right here you can see a perfidious friend.
That's a crying girl
and there is a fucking little thug
who believes "world's a game and let's play through";
until he bumps into someone who's rough,
who'll pound and butcher him out of the damned???
who'll beat the crap out of him for good
So he's left just quiet in this shitty world.

Chorus:
Ravaged and shattered people just lying on the ground,
dragged down by dumb and terrified fools.
Good people have become rare and evilness became founded anew.
Real heroes are almost extinct, villains are getting more and more.
(Does the end of the world have come?
Let's see what the future brings or lets finally change the rules of society.)

What's wrong with the globe today?
Is there a way to end this fucking with peoples minds?
Wipe out this part of the population and what's left then?
Just the other part which turns into wild!
Years ago our world seemed to be free from phobias and injustice.
All so innocent,
but we don't understand.
If you ain't able to understand, then you're getting scared.
If you're scared all illogical things are disturbing, evil and insane.
Ain't that right?

Chorus:
Ravaged and shattered people just lying on the ground,
dragged down by dumb and terrified fools.
Good people have become rare and evilness became founded anew.
Real heroes are almost extinct, villains are getting more and more.
Does the end of the world have come?
Let's see what the future brings or lets finally change the rules of society.

Kids growing up in a badly fucked up/ fucking bad society not learning the difference between right and wrong.
Becoming prejudiced and violent, on the way to self destruct.
Future is gone by.
It's just as if hell came down upon us.
So what's the new heaven like then?
And can there also be a new hell?
The overcrowded purgatory will burst,
when todays throng will be condemned for eternity.
Day by day, minute by minute and second by second it fills just more and more
Old heaven, empty new hell will build its own army of desperate and screwed up souls.
Just time to fight against it!

Chorus:
Ravaged and shattered people just lying on the ground,
dragged down by dumb and terrified fools.
Good people have become rare and evilness became founded anew.
Real heroes are almost extinct, villains are getting more and more.
Does the end of the world have come?
Let's see what the future brings or lets finally change the rules of society.