hi again folks

[vridda]

So, habe mich ja ewig hier nid gemeldet, das liegt auch daran, dass ich ne Zeit lang mit Musik, für meine Verhältnisse, erschreckend wenig zu tun hatte, das hat sich zum Glück mittlerweile wieder geändert, vom wieder exzessivem Hören übers Machen und nun wohl auch wieder zum eigenen Schreiben bin ich jetzt wieder rehabilitiert sozusagen.

Und hier hätte ich jetzt mal son Text, wo ich mal gerne von euch ne Meinung zu hätte, was ihr so davon haltet.

Do You Agree?

I gathered 'round the city street,
To see the entertainer,
Saw a thousand politicians,
Trying to contain her..

I tried to find a spokesman,
To keep her on the street.
I tried to find a shoemaker,
To keep her on her feet..

But all I found was this old man,
With blisters on his soles,
Beard down to his ankles,
Tattered rags for clothes.

I asked him if he could help me,
And he looked up at me like scum,
"No matter what you try", he said,
"You won't get nuthin' done".


And then It started raining, I saw the street-light fading..
And the weather was following me..
I find it quite frustrating that they're all constraining..
And I hope, that you agree..
Do you Agree?


I walked up a couple of miles,
To find myself a place to stay,
Saw a group of kids,
Makin' on their way.

I couldn't see their expressions,
They were shadowed by their hoods,
Couldn't see their faces,
And I wouldn't try to if I could..

But they looked up at me and their blood ran cold,
They said "get a haircut man".
"And look like you?" I replied,
They chased me and I ran.

They caught me up about a mile later,
And I put up a damn-good fight..
They beat me down pretty bad though,
And left me bleeding in the night.


And then It started raining, I saw the street-light fading..
And the weather was following me..
I find it quite frustrating that they're so degrading..
And I hope, that you agree..
Do you agree?


I woke up the next morning,
With the sun shining on my face,
I sighed relief for just one second,
In a state of grace.

I looked about to try 'nd find out,
Where abouts I was,
Looked like someone had picked me up,
Saved me from my flaws.

Sure enough, A man walked in,
Sat down beside the bed,
Told me I was in his ward,
Rubbed a flannel across my head..

I thanked him for his help,
He told me I should sleep on through the day,
I told him thanks but no,
I'd best be on my way.


And then It started raining, I saw the street-light fading..
And the weather was following me,
I find it quite frustrating that they're so restraining..
And I hope, that you agree.
Do you agree?


I walked on through the city,
Trying to find these kids,
Called down a couple of my friends,
Told them what the vandals did.

We eventually caught up with one of them,
Pushed him down onto the street,
I kicked his head back onto the floor,
And stood there at his feet.

"I'm sorry" He shouted out,
"What do you want?" He said,
Then he started crying ,
as I held his sobbing head.

Listen man, I told him,
I've really got nothing to say,
I was about to kill him there and then,
But I turned and walked away.


And then it started raining, I saw the street-light fading,
And the weather was following me..
I find it so frustrating that it keeps on raining,
And I hope, that you agree..
Do you Agree?

 

[wilbour-cobb]

wasn text, da muss man schnell singen um das alles in einen song zu packen. sprachlich ist eigentlich alles richtig, bis auf wenige kleinigkeiten. deine reime sind durch die bank weg echt super!

Do You Agree?

I gathered 'round the city street,
für mich können nur mehrere personen "gathern", es sei den, es hat eine amerikanische "rumhäng" bedeutung, die ich nicht kenne.
To see the entertainer,
Saw a thousand politicians,
Trying to contain her..

I tried to find a spokesman,
To keep her on the street.
I tried to find a shoemaker,
To keep her on her feet..

But all I found was this old man,
With blisters on his soles,
Beard down to his ankles,
Tattered rags for clothes.

I asked him if he could help me,
And he looked up at me like scum,
"No matter what you try", he said,
"You won't get nuthin' done".


And then It started raining, I saw the street-light fading..
And the weather was following me..
I find it quite frustrating that they're all constraining..
And I hope, that you agree..
Do you Agree?


I walked up a couple of miles,
To find myself a place to stay,
die konstruktion kenn ich, wird aber im modernen englisch so kaum noch benutzt. "to find a place for me to stay" tut es auch, deine alte ausdrucksweise hat charme, aber sticht so raus aus dem sehr modern geschriebenen text.
Saw a group of kids,
Makin' on their way.

I couldn't see their expressions,
They were shadowed by their hoods,
Couldn't see their faces,
And I wouldn't try to if I could..

But they looked up at me and their blood ran cold,
They said "get a haircut man".
"And look like you?" I replied,
They chased me and I ran.

They caught me up about a mile later,
And I put up a damn-good fight..
They beat me down pretty bad though,
And left me bleeding in the night.


And then It started raining, I saw the street-light fading..
And the weather was following me..
I find it quite frustrating that they're so degrading..
And I hope, that you agree..
Do you agree?


I woke up the next morning,
With the sun shining on my face,
I sighed relief for just one second,
In a state of grace.

I looked about to try 'nd find out,
Where abouts I was, oder "whereabouts" oder "where about"
Looked like someone had picked me up,
Saved me from my flaws.

Sure enough, A man walked in,
Sat down beside the bed,
Told me I was in his ward,
Rubbed a flannel across my head..
"flannel" ist auch ein recht ungebräuchliches wort

I thanked him for his help,
He told me I should sleep on through the day,
I told him thanks but no,
I'd best be on my way.


And then It started raining, I saw the street-light fading..
And the weather was following me,
I find it quite frustrating that they're so restraining..
And I hope, that you agree.
Do you agree?


I walked on through the city,
Trying to find these kids,
Called down a couple of my friends,
Told them what the vandals did.

We eventually caught up with one of them,
Pushed him down onto the street,
I kicked his head back onto the floor,
And stood there at his feet.

"I'm sorry" He shouted out,
"What do you want?" He said,
Then he started crying ,
as I held his sobbing head.

Listen man, I told him,
I've really got nothing to say,
I was about to kill him there and then,
But I turned and walked away.


And then it started raining, I saw the street-light fading,
And the weather was following me..
I find it so frustrating that it keeps on raining,
And I hope, that you agree..
Do you Agree?

 

[vridda]

vielen dank für das feedback.

das mit den unüblichen begriffen haste recht, aber ich find sowas eigtl ganz gut, also nicht, um das ganze irgendwie komplizierter und somit vllt besser als es tatsächlich ist klingen zu lassen, sondern halt damits nich gefahr läuft, irgendwie abgelutscht zu klingen, wenn du verstehst....

mit der länge haste sicherlich nid unrecht, aber vllt solls auch einfach als gedicht zu verstehen sein oder so...oder man machtn progrocksong draus ^_________________^

 

[x-Riff]

Das hat mich eher an die talking-blues Geschichten von Dylan erinnert - das waren ja textlich auch totale riemen - aber durch seine Stimme und die Begleitung hat er´s einfach rausgerissen.

Finde den Text auch gut - selten dass mal ein Thema oder eine Geschichte textlich so durchkomponiert wurde - und dazu in verständlichem, guten Englisch ohne Reimgeknödel - alle Achtung.

Lass mal öfter von Dir hören!

x-Riff

 

[vridda]

Hmm ehrlich gesagt hör ich in letzter Zeit auch fast nur Dylan, neben Neil Young, aber vor allem Dylan und das eigtl so viel wie noch nie, mag sein dass das nen gewissen Einfluss ausübt, aber durch seine von dir angesprochenen Mittel würd ich mir wohl kaum Hoffnung machen, dadurch eine mögliche musikalische Umsetzung zu retten, denn mit so ner Stimme kann ich nu nid aufwarten ^__^

aber vielen dank für die nette Kritik, und das mit dem öfter blicken lassen...naja hatte ich ja oben angesprochen, aber das bessert sich jetzt auf jeden Fall...nur ich ich warne schonmal vorher, dass das auch die einen oder anderen Kopfschmerzen auslösen könnte, denn alles in allem schreib ich immer noch reichlich mehr schlechte Texte als einigermassen gute

mfg

 

[Zündapp]

Also mir gefällt der Text auch sehr gut.

Mach nen Song draus

Grüsse

Jan