Deathly Love

[Primax]

Hey!

Ich hab gerade einen Song geschrieben und wollte mal so wissen, was ihr von ihm haltet


Deathly Love

Sometimes I wake up
I think of you
How you look at me
And I think of me
With a hatchet in my hand!

You destroyed my life
You took my soul
You ripped out my heart
And I looked helpless
But I had done nothing

No one will ever love you
Love you like I do
You have hurt me
What have I done to you?
Why do I feel lust to kill?

You destroyed my life
You took my soul
You ripped out my heart
And I looked helpless
But I had done nothing

Love is like a grave
You scoop it yourself

You destroyed my life
You took my soul
You ripped out my heart
And I looked helpless
But I had done nothing

 

[wilbour-cobb]

But I had done nothing

Da muss ich doch glatt an den denken.

Da sind dir ein paar Zeiten durcheinander geraten, da würde ich noch mal drüberschauen. Wann Past, wann Progressiv und wann "had" und wann "did".

 

[Primax]

Okay, da hast du wohl recht...
Vielleicht sollte man stattdessen sagen:

I have done Nothing...oder
I Haven't done anything...

 

[x-Riff]

Hi primax,

von mir noch ein paar anmerkungen:

Deathly Love

Sometimes I wake up
I think of you
vtl.: thinking of you?
How you look at me
And I think of me
With a hatchet in my hand!
vlt: and I´m dreaming
of a / I had a hatchet in my hand oder sowas? etwas dramatischer eventuell?

You destroyed my life
You took my soul
You ripped out my heart
And I looked helpless
bei dieser darstellung von ripped out heart hört sich I lookes helpless etwas schwach an, imho - was completely helpless, turned out to be helpless ...
But I had done nothing
oder vielleicht sowas wie: and I couldn´t do nothing / and hadn´t done anything before oder so?

No one will ever love you
Love you like I do
You have hurt me
you hurt me oder did hurt me, imho
What have I done to you?
Why do I feel lust to kill?
such a lust?

You destroyed my life
You took my soul
You ripped out my heart
And I looked helpless
But I had done nothing

Love is like a grave
You scoop it yourself

You destroyed my life
You took my soul
You ripped out my heart
And I looked helpless
But I had done nothing

Yu - find den ganz nett - beruhigend weniger bluttriefend als viele metal-texte, könnte für mich aber leicht abgedrehter sein - dieses motiv mit dem rachebengel und dem beilchen in der hand finde ich sehr schön, da könnte man mehr draus machen oder es noch mal aufgreifen oder so ...

x-Riff

 

[Primax]

ICH HAB DEN TEXT NOCHMAL ÜBERDACHT...HIER DIE NEUE VERSION:



Deathly love


Someday I dream of you
How your cold eyes look at me
And I think of me
With a hatchet in my right
And a sword in my left

You lost all your godly
You destroyed my life
You took my soul
You ripped out my heart
And I wasn't able to stop

No one will ever love you
Love you like I did
But you hurt me
You are a deadly repil
Why do I feel lust to kill?

You lost all your godly
You destroyed my life
You took my soul
You ripped out my heart
And I wasn't able to stop

Love is like a grave
You scoop it yourself

You lost all your godly
You destroyed my life
You took my soul
You ripped out my heart
And I wasn't able to stop