call for hope

[Maya1234]

hi

also das hier ist jetzt mal eben so spontan entstanden, bin mir damit aber nicht so ganz sicher, vor allem ob mans gefuhlsmaessig nachvollziehen kann.
waere also fuer feedback echt dankbar, auvh gerne knallhart und ehrlich, weil schreibe noch nicht allzu lang eigene songs.

hier dann mal der text:

call for hope

breaking down in silence
like medicine for the highest
every call for hope dies at the end of the road
(every call for hope dies at the end of the road)

1. strophe:
broken glass
drunk and high
lost in yearning
you thought you'd be free
but at the end
you were nothing
nothing except a crying waste of skin

refrain:
broken down in silence
like medicine for the highest
every call for hope died at the end of the road

broken down in silence
like medicine for the highest
every call for hope died at the end of the road

2. strophe:
helpless
lost in yearning
i tried to break down your door
all just
to save your mortal soul
but you didn't let me in
(you didn't let me in anymore)

refrain:
broken down in silence
like medicine for the highest
every call for hope died at the end of the road

broken diwn in silence
like medivine fir the highest
every call for hope died at the end of the road

3. strophe:
broken glass
drunk and high
lost in yearning
you thiught you'd be free
but at the end
you were nothing
nothing except one of gid's mistake
you lying waste of space

refrain:
broken down in silence
like medicine for the highest
every call for hope died at the end of the road

broken down in silence
like medicine for the highest
every calll for hope died at the end of the road

broken down in silence
every call for hope

broken down in silence
every fucking call for hope died at the end of the road

 

[Maya1234]

Keine Anmerkungen, Anregungen, Feedback?

 

[LunaMoon]

Doch, ich hatte ihn gestern schon gelesen und erst noch nachgedacht.

Also im lesefluss stört mich persönlich

breaking down in silence
like medicine for the highest
every call for hope dies at the end of the road

die "medicine" das klingt so hart zwischen dem Fluss und ich hatte überlegt ob man das besser mit "cure" ersetzten könnte?

und am besten gefällt mir die erste Strophe (obwohl ich das zweite "nothing" weglassen würde) und
"all just
to save your mortal soul"

Und ich weiß nicht genau, ich bin gar kein englisch crack, gaaar nicht. Ich schreibe lediglich aus Gefühl
Aber ich glaube "you don't let me in" hört sich besser an (richtiger?)
Vielleicht sagt dazu aber noch jemand anders etwas.

Und hier

thiught you'd be free
but at the end
you were nothing
nothing except one of gid's mistake

sindglaube ich allerdings nur Tippfehler, hm?
Thought
God's
?

Soweit für heut abend.
Gruß Luna

 

[desgraca]

Hi Maya - also für den Anfang find ich deinen Text nicht schlecht, die Stimmung kommt sehr klar rüber. Der Refrain kommt für meinen Geschmack ein bisschen oft (ich hab gern mehr Strophen als Refrain, weil sonst nicht viel neues dazukommt, aber das ist ja Geschmackssache).
Solche emotionalen Situationen rüberbringen ist nicht so einfach, aber wenn du nochmal drüber gehst, falln dir sicher nochn paar gute Umschreibungen ein um's noch ein bisschen auszubauen - insbesondere die dritte Strophe vielleicht mit eigenen Metaphern anreichern.

call for hope

breaking down in silence
like medicine for the highest da check ich nich so wirklich was du sagen willst
every call for hope dies at the end of the road
(every call for hope dies at the end of the road)

1. strophe:
broken glass
drunk and high
lost in yearning
you thought you'd be free
but at the end vermutlich 'in the end' im Sinne von "am Ende" es sei denn du beziehst dich immernoch auf das ende der metaphorischen Straße
you were nothing
nothing except a crying waste of skin hier würde ich klanghalber 'but' statt 'except' setzen

refrain:
broken down in silence
like medicine for the highest
every call for hope died at the end of the road

broken down in silence
like medicine for the highest
every call for hope died at the end of the road

2. strophe:
helpless
lost in yearning
i tried to break down your door
all just
to save your mortal soul
but you didn't let me in
(you didn't let me in anymore)

refrain:
broken down in silence
like medicine for the highest
every call for hope died at the end of the road

broken diwn in silence
like medivine fir the highest
every call for hope died at the end of the road

3. strophe:
broken glass
drunk and high
lost in yearning
you thought you'd be free
but at the end
you were nothing
nothing except one of god's mistakes
you lying waste of space das istn bisschen sehr offensichtlich von placebo...inspiriert (Placebo - Song to say goodbye: you are one of God's mistakes.....You lying, trying waste of space)

refrain:
broken down in silence
like medicine for the highest
every call for hope died at the end of the road

broken down in silence
like medicine for the highest
every calll for hope died at the end of the road

broken down in silence
every call for hope

broken down in silence
every fucking call for hope died at the end of the road