[Africa] Kritik, Verbesserung, etc.

[ESCAPED]

Nabend,

und wieder ein Text...


Africa

Ref.
Up, up and away
See the beauty of our planet
New experiences make me gay
Just at home i run manic
Up, up and away
See the beauty, get in touch
New experiences make me gay
Don't close your eyes, there's so much

To hear, to feel, to smell
Gain the stories you can tell
To touch, to taste, to see
Take your chance to break free

1.
The bags are finally packed
A last glance, now we leave home
Not to gain money; just pictures
Cause memories you really own
Thousand feets above the ground
Out there darkness flies by
A look out of the window
What a great star-sparkeld sky

2.
10 billion eyes to tell you what
You would never expect or ever see
Sometimes it's better to be protected
But there's no wisdom in TV

3.
If we filled our hearts and minds
We turn back to our base
We put the pictures on the walls
Talked for days what us amazed


Kritik, Anregungen, Verbesserungen - immer her damit

Gruß

 

[wilbour-cobb]

Africa

Ref.
Up, up and away
Sagt das nicht immer Mermaidman aus Spongebob?
See the beauty of our planet
New experiences make me gay
Ich mein, wenn es so ist, ist das so. Aber falls nicht: Wow. Und wohl eher "made".
Just at home i run manic
Wieso "just"? und wenn dann manically
Up, up and away
See the beauty, get in touch
New experiences make me gay
Don't close your eyes, there's so much

To hear, to feel, to smell
Gain the stories you can tell
To touch, to taste, to see
Take your chance to break free

1.
The bags are finally packed
A last glance, now we leave home
Not to gain money; just pictures
Cause memories you really own
Thousand feets above the ground
Out there darkness flies by
is flying
A look out of the window
What a great star-sparkeld sky

2.
10 billion eyes to tell you what
You would never expect or ever see
Sometimes it's better to be protected
But there's no wisdom in TV

3.
If we filled our hearts and minds
when
We turn back to our base
We put the pictures on the walls
Talked for days what us amazed
der satzbau geht nicht.

 

[ESCAPED]

Mit den vorschlägen ergibt sich dann:

Africa

Ref.
Up, up and away
See the beauty of reality
New experiences made me gay
Here at home I'm going crazy
Passt es so jetzt?
Up, up and away
See the beauty, get in touch
New experiences make me gay
Don't close your eyes, there's so much

To hear, to feel, to smell
Gain the stories you can tell
To touch, to taste, to see
Take your chance to break free

1.
The bags are finally packed
A last glance, now we leave home
Not to gain money; just pictures
Cause memories you really own
Thousand feets above the ground
Out there darkness is flying by
A look out of the window
What a great star-sparkeld sky

2.
10 billion eyes to tell you what
You would never expect or ever see
Sometimes it's better to be protected
But there's no wisdom in TV

3.
When we filled our hearts and minds
We turn back to our base
We put the pictures on the walls
Talked for days, We stayed amazed
Könnte man auch "talked fo days and stayed amazed" sagen?

Danke für die kritik

 

[wilbour-cobb]

Up, up and away
See the beauty of reality
New experiences made me gay

Meine Anmerkung hier zu hast du entweder nicht ganz verstanden oder ich verstehe deinen Text nicht ganz. Ist es ein coming out of the closet Text, wenn ja finde ich das "überreden" des anderen schon recht zu deutlich. Wenn es keiner ist, ändere diesen Teil!

 

[ESCAPED]

ist hat nichts mit coming out oder so zu tun...

 

[wilbour-cobb]

"gay" solltest du dann nicht verweden, die Bedeutung "fröhlich" hat das Wort schon lange nicht mehr. Besonders in dieser Kombination mit "Experience" ist das nicht anders zu verstehen.

 

[ESCAPED]

okay, war mir nicht bewusst, dass es in diesem zuammenhang sehr eindeutig - und an dieser stelle falsch - zu verstehen war.

habs geändert in:
Up, up and away
See the beauty of reality
New experiences, every day
Here at home I'm going crazy